Miscarriage and the many emotions that follow

Miscarriage

Sadly, it estimated that 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage. Although it is such a common occurrence, many women feel alone and isolated after their loss. There are so many emotions women may go through as they deal with their grief after a miscarriage. The process of grief from a loss is very personal, but yet many women go through many of the same emotions.

I have had two miscarriages myself. I am a pretty private person. But, I have learned that talking openly about my losses helps me and I hope it also helps other women as well. When I speak with other women who are grieving the loss of their child, it has made me aware that we all experience such similar feelings emotions. Unfortunately, many women are afraid to openly discuss what emotions they are feeling or experiencing due to fear of judgement from others. I know I have often felt shameful for some of my thoughts that come into my head. As we discuss in our podcast, women who miscarry have to deal with all of the typical emotions and hormones most women experience after having a child, but without a baby to hold and love.

Julia Pascoe, LCSW

I was blessed to meet my friend, Julia Pascoe, when our children were in an early intervention class together. We share many commonalities, but we quickly learned that we each had experienced two miscarriages. Julia is a LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker) who counsels individuals, families, and couples. She specializes in supporting individuals through grief, loss, depression, and so much more! Julia is a great friend of mine, but not my personal therapist, which is why I asked her to sit down and chat with me!

speaking with a LCSW — My dear friend, Julia and I.

Our Podcast: Working Through Emotions After a Miscarriage

I asked Julia to join me for a discussion on miscarriage. Not only has she experienced two miscarriages personally, but she also has amazing professional insight. I knew our conversation would flow easily and it absolutely did! We had so many things to discuss and I hope you or someone you love finds it helpful! If you know of someone who has experienced a miscarriage, you may not know what to say or do to help them. Consider forwarding this podcast onto them. I really think they will appreciate what we have to say and will help them know that they are not alone.

You Are Not Alone!

Just know whether you listen to our podcast or not, you are not alone! Whether you are experiencing grief, anger, guilt, sadness, blame, frustration, jealousy, depression, lack of sleep, or rage your emotions are part of your grief. Recognize your emotions, find a good friend or support person and when you’re ready, consider finding a therapist or counselor to help you work through them. Your health and mental well-being are so important to take care of. Although, you may be overcome with sadness, just know that so many people care about you and are here to help.

Click to listen to Working Through Emotions After a Miscarriage Part I and Part II of our discussion.

We had so much to discuss, that we continued our discussion with Working Through Guilt, Anger, and Loss of Control After a Miscarriage with Julia Pascoe, Part I and Part II.

We hope you take a little bit of your day to listen. Thank you for your support!

Please visit Honoring All Mothers on Mother’s Day for more insight on ways you can honor all different types of mothers on Mother’s Day and everyday.

Please feel free to reach out to me. I am here to listen and support you however I can. God Bless You and be well!

Love, Nicole

Celebrating and honoring all mothers on Mother’s Day

by Nicole Nyberg

Celebrating all mothers on Mother’s Day

Honoring all mothers on Mother's Day — Our family

The grief that may come to many on Mother’s Day

I wanted to take a minute and explain why I believe all mothers should be honored on Mother’s Day. It should be a joyous day, but it may not be for everyone. The weeks building up to it and the actual day can be difficult for many people. We are blessed enough to still have my mother and mother-in-law in our lives, but many people have lost their mothers, and mourn them even more on Mother’s Day. Many women have hopes of becoming a mother, but for whatever reason, often due to infertility or other complications, that dream has yet to be fulfilled. For many women, they mourn for their children that they were never able to meet alive or some have gone through the horrific tragedy of losing their child. A day that is meant to be joyful can quickly turn into a day that many may dread or have a hard time getting through.

The different types of mothers we need to honor

Many women may not have children of their own, but they may play the role of a mother. We also need to celebrate those women as well! You may be an aunt, a teacher, a mentor, or an amazing friend – remember, you mean so much to those children, do not take your role lightly, and celebrate it! You may be a step-mother and you are unsure of your place, but believe me, your role is incredibly important!

Being a step-mother

I officially became a mother to my step-daughter, Reece, when Josh and I got married in September of 2013. We have definitely had our ups and downs, but overall, we have a great relationship. Has it been difficult? Absolutely! Becoming a step-mom has been one of the most difficult experiences I have ever been through. I often feel as though I’m the first one to blame and the last one to thank. I care so much and I have the best intentions in mind, but I often feel that my opinion and role are second fiddle because I am just her step-mom.

Defining your role as a step-mother

I know some step-mothers struggle with which role they will play – will they be more of a friend or a mom. For me, I instantly took on the motherly role. Although, at the young age of 6, Reece gave me the line, “you’re not my mom” after I had scolded her one time very quickly. 🙂 I have always known that she may not like me in the moment, but I know that deep down she does love me. It brings me so much joy to see how kind, loving, and well-mannered she is – or at least as much as a thirteen year old can be 😉 She loves Jesus and is an amazing big sister! I feel blessed to have had an opportunity to play a small part in her life! Although it hasn’t been easy, I feel like we are better than we have ever been and I’m excited to see what our future holds!

William, my first born

William. He has taught me more than anyone in my life thus far! Throughout my pregnancy and since he took his first breath, nothing has been easy for him, but he has continued to persevere. He had to be emergently delivered at 23 4/7 weeks and weighed only 1 lb, 6 oz.

Living in the NICU – Living with no regrets

He is now a strong, funny, sarcastic, smart, shy, strong-willed, determined 5-year old. After 91 days in the NICU, we were able to bring him home. Once we walked out of those NICU doors, I was completely a different person and with an renewed sense of trust, faith, hope, and belief. I feel so blessed to be his mother. Josh used to get after me when William was in the NICU because I spent all of my waking hours sitting next to his isolette or holding him when I could. It was the most helpless feeling I have ever experienced. As a Mom, I wanted to protect him and I believed as though I had already failed him in that regard. I could not protect him in the womb, so I had told myself that I was going to sit there and fight the fight with him. If God forbid anything happened to him, I did not want to have any regrets. Considering everything he had to endure and for how hard he had to fight, the least I could do was sit there, pray with him, sing to him, love him, and support him.

My strong-WILLed 5 year old

William is doing remarkably well considering he was born so prematurely. There are still some things that are more difficult for him. It is hard to decipher what may be due to his prematurity versus him just being William. And in reality, it doesn’t really matter. But as a mother, to see your child struggle is incredibly difficult. All I have ever wanted to do is protect him and I can’t always do that, even now. He is definitely a little spoiled, but still so kind, incredibly strong-willed and he has such a big heart.

He made me a Mama — William and I at his fifth birthday party

My personal struggle with miscarriages

After William, we waited awhile, but then decided to proceed with building our family. I became pregnant and Josh and I were cautiously optimistic. Just as in William’s pregnancy, my first trimester went by very smoothly. But as I entered into the second trimester, I quickly began to have problems that mimicked my pregnancy with William. Unfortunately, unlike William’s pregnancy, they were unable to stop the preterm labor and I delivered my son Weston at 14 weeks. That same year, I experienced another miscarriage in my 8th week of pregnancy. I think of the babies I lost EVERY. SINGLE. DAY, but Mother’s Day is extremely difficult for me.

If you have experienced a miscarriage or know someone who has, please visit HERE and listen to my conversation, Working Through Emotions After a Miscarriage with Julia Pascoe, LCSW.

Honoring your infants after a miscarriage — Remembering mothers who have had a miscarriage or loss

Bereaved Mother’s Day

There is a day called International Bereaved Mother’s Day that is celebrated the week before Mother’s Day. It is dedicated to remember mothers who have either lost a child or have not been able to conceive. I like the idea of this, but at the same time, I also believe that these women should be honored on Mother’s Day. They are still mothers and always will be. Even if I was not lucky enough to have Reece or William, I would still be a Mama to Weston and Baby Nyberg.

So next year, please remember those who may struggle a little more on Mother’s Day. Talk to them about it and do not be afraid to tell them Happy Mother’s Day!

Has your sorrow ever blindsided you on a Monday afternoon?

by Nicole Nyberg

Moving on from your grief – or are you?

I am just like you. I have grief and anguish that rises up within me on a daily basis from previous chapters in my story. Someone may look at me on the outside and assume that my heart has not been completely crumbled and that I do not have daily struggles. In my professional life, I am able to go to work, do my job well and for the most part, hold it together. But, I am broken on the inside too. I have been able to put one foot in front of the other and move on from my losses. But that’s just it, I have moved on, but not through my many layers of pain.

Sadly, the pain that we carry inside of us from our difficult chapters will follow us until we work through it. Over time, we will just keep piling up our baggage until we almost break physically and mentally.

How do you know when you aren’t handling your grief well?

Late last year I finally admitted to myself that I was struggling. There seemed to be more bad days than good. Looking back now, I knew that I was not my best self for awhile before that day. I was snapping more at my family and I was much more short-tempered and sometimes, just mean. I realized that I had never actually worked through my pain and losses. It is amazing how time still moves on regardless of what you may personally be going through. Before you know it, a few days pass by, followed by a month, then years.

Has your sorrow ever blindsided you on a Monday afternoon?

You may be at work, playing with your kids, or driving in your car and you’re hit with complete and utter sadness and hopelessness. Have you ever experienced such sadness that it physically makes you buckle in the knees and fall to the floor in complete despair? I know I have! Listen HERE to hear a recent and raw personal experience of mine.

Do you have moments of just wanting to crawl into hole and cry like a baby but you somehow force yourself to keep it together because you are in front of your children or at work. Personally, I try my best to not get upset in front of my son because he becomes very distraught if he sees me crying and tells me that I’m not sad which is his way to convince himself that I’m okay. Over time, you may even become impressed by your own ability to repeatedly shove the pain down and tuck it away for a “different day.”

Have you ever been ashamed of how sad you really are – even to your spouse?

Have you ever tried to hide from your husband when you couldn’t control the tears running down your face? You are simply too ashamed and cannot bear to see that look in his eyes again, full of worry, concern or worse yet – judgement. Do you smile, laugh at jokes and continue to show everyone on the outside just how well you really are doing? Yes, yes, and yes!!! Unfortunately, the facade you present to the outside world just hinders the inevitable and your ability to truly heal.

Does the thought of seeing a therapist make you feel ashamed?

I have felt and done all of the aforementioned. Moving on and not actually through your grief and sadness is a great defense mechanism. Many of us have perfected it out of necessity, but it will not lend well to your current and future well-being. For me, I had told myself that have a family, a busy job, a home to care for and quite honestly, I just didn’t have the time to go and talk to someone – or maybe I just didn’t think that I needed to.

Does the thought of seeing a therapist scare you or make you feel ashamed? Not me! I love therapy! I think I was just in denial that I needed help and sadly, as a mother and wife often does, I was putting everyone else’s needs above my own – until I couldn’t any more. By carrying all of the weight of my sadness and grief, I was not serving my family well – or more importantly, myself! Happy wife, happy life – rather healthy wife, healthy life!

Progress, not perfection

I still deal with some of my sadness on a daily basis, but I am in the process of working through it. Progress, not perfection. Deep down, I know that there are pieces of my heart that cannot be completely mended back together, but I do believe that with therapy and support from friends and family that I can start living my best life.

I am hopeful that as I continue to slowly work through my pain, disappointment, and grief that I am able to help you or someone you love who may be struggling as well. If you feel as though you are having a difficult time moving beyond your sadness and grief, I also encourage you to find a friend, support group, counselor or therapist to start working through your grief. We will get there!

If you or someone you know has had a miscarriage or the loss of an infant, please consider reading this post with some optional podcasts to listen to where I sit down with my friend, Julia Pascoe, LCSW. We discuss working through the many different emotions after a miscarriage as well as the anger, guilt, and loss of control many woman endure. I am here to offer support and help and most importantly, for you to know that you are not alone.