Why You Should Switch to an Aluminum-free, Safe Deodorant

 

Why You Should Switch to an Aluminum-free, Safe Deodorant

I have learned the good, the bad, and the ugly during my transition to safer personal care products. Eventually, I knew that I had to face the deodorant debacle.  Many personal care products perform just as well if not better than their unsafe counterparts. But deodorant – we absolutely need it to work and work well! No one wants to walk around paranoid about potential body odor!

Why should we avoid Aluminum-based deodorants?

Clogged Sweat Ducts

Aluminum-based compounds are the active ingredients in antiperspirants. The purpose of the aluminum salts is to temporarily “plug” the sweat ducts. Sweat ducts transport your sweat from your body to your skin’s surface. Aluminum salts actually dissolve and form a chemical reaction with the water to block your sweat. The idea of plugging the sweat ducts to keep the area under your arms dry sounds good in theory, but is it really?

Sweating is your body’s natural way of eliminating heat, toxins, and environmental pollutants that attach to your body – I know I want those out! Once your sweat ducts are plugged, the aluminum in antiperspirant deodorant forces your body to reabsorb all of those toxins – gross! No thank you! Just as you need to breathe, so do your pores! Additionally, clogged pores can lead to acne and other dermatologic problems.

What are other common chemicals we should avoid in deodorant?

Parabens

Parabens are preservatives many companies use to prevent the growth of mold and bacteria in your deodorant or antiperspirant. What’s wrong with parabens? Research has shown that parabens mimic the activity of estrogen in the body’s cells. By mimicking the activity of estrogen, they disrupt your natural hormonal mechanisms. A higher lifetime exposure to estrogen has been shown to increase the risk for breast cancer. Research shows that parabens harm infertility and reproductive organs and may also affect birth outcomes. Parabens are absorbed through the skin and into your body once you are exposed to them in your personal care products.

Phthalates

Phthalates are known endocrine disruptors. They are a colorless, odorless, oily liquids that are added to make plastic flexible and more easy to break. Sadly, they are also added to personal care products to make the fragrances last longer. Phthalate exposure has been linked to hormone disruption, worsening asthma and allergies, increased risk of cancer, miscarriage, birth defects, preterm birth, and low birthweight. The risks are not just unique to women either, phthalates are also linked to interference with male testosterone and can cause irreversible effects on male reproduction.

If that is not scary enough, read HERE for more detailed information on phthalates and why you and your family should avoid them at all costs! Want the quick and dirty? Find a one page phthalate reference guide HERE to assist you and your clean living journey.

Polyethylene Glycol

Polyethylene Glycol (PEGs) are used as a solvent and thickener cosmetics. PEGs are a mixture of polymers or compounds that have been bonded together. In cosmetics, they soften and moisturize, stabilize ingredients, and enhance the penetration of other ingredients, both good and bad. Therefore, if your cosmetic product contains toxic chemicals, PEGs will make it easier for them to penetrate into your skin. PEGs also alter your skin’s natural moisture balance and are often contaminated with toxic impurities. They should especially be avoided if your skin is compromised or not intact.

Propylene Glycol

Propylene Glycol is a man-made alcohol that absorbs water. Companies add it to deodorant so it glides onto your skin smoothly. Unfortunately, propylene glycol has been linked to cancer, reproductive complications, developmental abnormalities, neurotoxicity, and endocrine issues. Allergic reactions and contact dermatitis are also common with use of products that contain propylene glycol.

Fragrance

What is included in fragrance? That is the problem, no one knows! Under federal law (yes, that’s right), cosmetic companies are allowed to label a product with the word “fragrance” even though it may contain thousands of different chemicals. Brands are protected because fragrances are considered a “trade secret.” What does that mean? Companies ARE NOT required to disclose the ingredients even if they may contain chemicals you are trying to avoid including allergens, preservatives, parabens and so much more. Moral of the story, when you see fragrance listed on the ingredient list, avoid purchasing and using the product!

Interested in changing to a safer deodorant yet?

Yes, yes, and yes! I hope you will strongly consider making the switch to safer deodorant after learning some of the potentials risks with many of the aluminum-based deodorants. Need more information to sway you?

What are the benefits of choosing an aluminum-free deodorant?

Decreased risk of breast cancer

There has been inconclusive evidence linking aluminum-based deodorants to the development of breast cancer. More clinical trials will need to be completed, but for me, it is a pretty simple choice. Upon learning about the potential exposure of chemicals in an area full of lymph nodes near breast tissue, it was a no-brainer. Some studies suggest that aluminum-based antiperspirants that are applied frequently and remain on the skin near the breast, are absorbed by the skin and have estrogen-like hormonal effects. It is known that estrogen can promote the growth of breast cancer cells and parabens are found in breast tumors, but a definitive link has not been established. But I would ask you, is it worth the risk?

Keep your pores clear

As you read above, aluminum-based deodorants actually plug your pores and prevent your body from excreting out heat, sweat, toxins, and pollutants. If your pores are continually clogged, it can also lead to acne and other dermatology based issues. Did you know if you or someone you love uses a prescription-strength antiperspirant that it can contain four times the amount of aluminum chloride typically found in an over-the-counter antiperspirant? The area under your arms is also very thin and more sensitive than other areas of your body. Many consumers have significant skin breakdown or irritation from aluminum-based deodorants as well.

Fight odor with natural ingredients

Yes, it does work! Aluminum-free deodorants can be very effective. With the use of essential oils or other natural ingredients, natural deodorants smell lovely and are just as effective and safer than their counterparts that use toxic fragrances. Companies striving for safer, more natural deodorants often use bacteria-fighting ingredients like coconut oil and beeswax in their deodorants.

Improve your skin

Natural, aluminum-free deodorants contain more natural, safe ingredients. Once you stop using deodorants full of chemicals, you will see an improvement in your skin’s health.

Steps to ease your transition

Prepare for a detox period

If possible, try to go au naturel for a few days. Stop using your aluminum-based deodorant and wear nothing. Your sweat glands will become unclogged and your body will naturally begin to push out those chemicals. To support this process, keep the area dry and add a combination of tea-tree oil and lavender or coconut oil. Do not give up! It will be worth it!

Even if you switch directly to a more natural deodorant after stopping your aluminum-based deodorant, you will be lead to believe that it is not working. Stick with it! Your body is in a transition period and purging out build up from years of clogged pores! With that said, it may take several weeks for this process, so please be patient with your body and know that it will pass. Do not revert back or you will have to start the process all over again! Many consumers who have fully transitioned to only using a natural deodorant actually report that they sweat less overall.

Exercise

Exercising more regularly. Yes, you heard me correctly – exercising more often during your detox period may actually speed up the process.

Consume a healthy diet

Eat a healthy, more leafy diet if possible with a lot of water to support your detox during this transition period.

Wash and exfoliate

Wash under your arms with a natural soap daily and exfoliate under your arms once to twice weekly during the transition time.

Keep them dry

Bacteria thrive in warm, moist environments – aka under your arms! To prevent the accumulation of odor, which is due to the bacteria, pat the area under your arms dry after your shower and before applying deodorant or essential oils.

Optimize timing between shaving and deodorant application

Even some more natural deodorants can be irritating to your skin. Many aluminum-free deodorants contain baking soda as a natural deodorizer. Some people report irritation from baking soda, so try to find an option with a low concentration or none at all. Additionally, some essential oils may irritate the thin layer under your arms.

Should you experience any skin irritation by your new aluminum-free deodorant, try these tips. If you shave under your arms, wash, then pat the area under your arms dry and…wait! Try to wait around 30 minutes between shaving and applying deodorant. Or better yet, shave in the evening and apply your deodorant in the morning. You can also try an essential oil-free option. Also, consider a more natural remedy to nourish your skin during the night. Consider trying coconut oil, (here is one of my favorites) or a product with calendula flower extract like this Calendula Lip Conditioner (yes, it’s multi-purpose). Another great option is to apply a skin-soothing balm, like Counter+ Lotus Glow Cleansing Balm every night before bed.

Consider Charcoal

Consider using a charcoal-based body wash, bar, or mask to assist with your detox process. Activated charcoal naturally draws out impurities and bacteria from your body. My favorite charcoal bar is from Beautycounter, learn more about it HERE on “My Favorite Products” page.  Another great option for cleansing with charcoal is the Counterman Energizing Charcoal Body Wash. Even after my detox period, I will occasionally wash under my arms with the charcoal bar or body wash to help pull out impurities. Or consider the Counter+ Charcoal Facial Mask with activated charcoal. Apply it to your face and consider it for under your arms as well! It purifies and will help to balance out your skin while also absorbing excess oil and drawing out impurities.

Cleansing Charcoal Bar

How to decide which natural deodorant to use?

The process of switching to an aluminum-free deodorant is more seamless than in previous years. Companies have really done their homework and you can now find a safe and effective deodorant. It really comes down to trying out different aluminum-free deodorants and deciding which works best for you. I will walk you through my process and how I ultimately decided on Primally Pure’s deodorant.

Native

Initially, I started using deodorant from Native. They do not use any parabens, aluminum, or sulfates. The wide variety of scents are lovely and a great option. My favorite is the Coconut and Vanilla. The deodorant glides on smoothly and I love the scents. Some other great options include the Cucumber and Mint, which is very refreshing or the Lavender and Rose has a nice floral scent.  They also launch different seasonal options to change the scents up. The only downside I experienced with Native, was as the day progressed, it would clump together in little balls under my arms which was not very appealing. Truth be told, I used this brand for over a year and found that it did control any odor and I never had any break outs from it.

Schmidt’s

Due to the ability to go to a local store and purchase Schmidt’s deodorant, I thought I’d give it a try! But I found that it did not glide onto my skin smoothly. I also felt that it did not control my odor as well as Native.

Primally Pure

I then decided to try out Primally Pure’s deodorant.  Va Va Voom! It is by far my favorite option out of all of the natural, safe deodorants that I have tried.  Primally Pure’s natural deodorant contains a small amount of baking soda to combat odor. Formulated with kaolin clay, a powerful detoxifier and non-nano zinc oxide, it soothes away any irritation. The additional organic ingredients including grass-fed tallow, fair trade coconut oil, arrowroot powder, beeswax and essential oils make it glide on smooth, prevent clumping, and it effectively combats any odor. The Blue Tansy is my favorite and contains Blue Tansy essential oil that effectively combats inflammation and calms irritation while also soothing your skin.  I also really love the Charcoal deodorant. Formulated with activated coconut charcoal, it contains additional detoxifying benefits while it also deodorizes and disinfects – great option for the man in your life.

Blue Tansy Deodorant by Primally Pure
Charcoal Deodorant by Primally Pure

Primally Pure also offers a variety of deodorant scents and additional safe and natural products. They have a subscription option available as well to ensure you never run out of your deodorant or other favorite products!

I hope I have brought some valuable information your way regarding aluminum-based deodorant and why you should really consider making the switch to a safe, more natural option. After doing my research, the information makes me even more furious. To learn that products I purchased here in the United States, contain dangerous chemicals gets my blood boiling! Before I knew any better, I applied products while I was pregnant that likely contained parabens and phthalates. Both of these chemicals are linked to miscarriages and preterm birth – two very personal and devastating events that have affected me personally. So please, learn from my mistakes! Become your own advocate, expand your knowledge now, protect yourself and those you love, and do not be afraid to make changes!

Please reach out with any questions! Be well!

Nicole

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The One Thing You Need For the New Year!

Happy New Year!

Like all of you, I have been thinking of new goals for the new year. Who doesn’t want to start out a new year with new behaviors? It is a season that we tend to reflect on our previous year and feel we are offered an opportunity to improve. Josh asked me what my 3 goals were for the upcoming year and to be honest, I haven’t answered him. I want to be very specific yet broad all at the same time. Does anyone else feel that way?

Focusing on one goal at a time

I listen to a lot of podcasts during my drives to and from work. I mean, a lot of podcasts, too many podcasts! Although they are all valuable, they leave me feeling like I can conquer the world! I tend to get too many ideas and become way to ambitious! My grandiose ideas steer me into too many lanes and I am not nearly as laser focused as I should be on specific goals.

One thing I have learned, but still need to work on, is that you should start with one specific goal. If you set your eyes on several goals and do not focus on one, you will end up doing everything half-assed (sorry for the language). As Rachel Hollis has said, if you throw a bunch of pebbles into a lake, it will make small ripples in the water but not much movement. Now, throw a boulder into the lake and you’ll make a ginormous splash and some serious movement!

We all need to see some serious movement within the goals we have set for ourselves. Movement means progress which will continue to motivate you to keep fighting for that particular goal. Without movement, progress, and motivation, you may begin to feel discouraged and will quit.

Declare your goal

Once you have picked out your one particular goal – say it out loud! Not only should you say it, you should scream it from the roof tops! I am going to…..!!! Tell your spouse, your best friend, your parents, or just scream it out loud in your car (I’ve done that before and it actually worked). Also, this is important, you must be resolute and state your goal in the form of a statement. Do not say, I want to run a 5K, rather say, “I am going to run a 5K!” When you declare a goal, say it as though it is DEFINITELY going to happen!

My goal for this year

So here it goes, my declaration: I am going to present at two speaking engagements this year! Now, I am specifying two events because I already have one speaking engagement scheduled. I would be cheating myself, lying to all of you, and not challenging myself if I do not go beyond what I have planned already. I have decided to challenge myself and put myself out there a bit this year. Do I love public speaking, no – not really at all. But I see an opportunity to share some things I’m passionate about. I have had personal experiences that I feel other people would benefit from hearing about.

Speaking Engagement #1

This month, I will be speaking at a Women’s Winter Retreat hosted by Allerton Retreat Center and CUltivate. A great friend mentioned that she was going to be presenting and wondered if I would be interested as well. I thought, sure! In full transparency, I was not chosen to speak at this event nor did I apply. I emailed a chairperson, shared a topic idea that I feel I am knowledgeable in that would benefit women, and she said, “Sure!” So I will be presenting Clean Living – Why you should consider leading a cleaner lifestyle. I do not presume to be perfect in this topic, but as I have learned more I feel the need to share more.

Here in the U.S., there is a significant lack of regulation to protect us as consumers, especially from the ingredients in personal care products. Click HERE to learn how to keep you and your family safe. Or read this post on Phthalates, to understand why you should steer clear of them!

Sorry, I digress – but if you are local and interested in learning some valuable information to enhance your personal or professional life from some amazing local women, consider signing up for the Women’s Winter Retreat! I am looking forward to meeting new women, developing new friendships, networking, relaxing and learning ways to improve myself and have a kick butt year! I’d love to see you there!

Speaking Engagement #2

My second speaking engagement in 2020 is not as much of a sure thing. I have no idea if I will actually get the opportunity to present, but I really want this one! I pray that my passion and what I envision for this topic are portrayed clearly in my submission. If you are the praying kind, I’m not afraid to ask for a little prayer for this one. The topic is incredibly relevant in the arena and I feel that it could really affect the attendees.

Honestly, I wasn’t going to declare my goal on here, but I felt a bit hypocritical, and I do not like hypocrites, so here it goes. I am going to speak at a nursing conference  in a concurrent session on the importance of Family-Centered Care. Did you see how I stated it although I actually have no idea if it will actually happen!

After years have passed, I have come to the realization that I have been blessed with a different perspective. Although, it has taken me awhile to consider it a blessing. After being a NICU nurse for years and a NNP, sitting on the other side of the isolette as a mother of a 23 weeker, forever changed me. I know William’s story will change other lives as well and be incredibly impactful. So I am going to do it!

What are your goals?

It is time to dream, my friends. If not today, then when?

State your goal, then start to work backwards to figure out how you are going to achieve it. Write those steps down. Make sure the steps are measurable and concrete. Vagueness is a cop-out. Be brave, precise, and bold. If it was easy, you would have done it already. But you need very specific steps to get you to your dream. Write them down, dig deep, and get to work!

What you need to get started

Planners

Depending on your goal, you may need very specific things. But to start, I recommend a planner. Even with all of the technology, I still find it necessary and productive to have a paper planner. To keep yourself organized and on task, you should have a space to write down your daily, weekly and monthly priorities and goals. I really like this one by Clever Fox.

                     Planner with detailed daily and weekly priorities

Or this beauty by Smart Planner Pro. What I love about this planner is that it also has a place for daily gratitude. Practicing gratitude on a daily basis is an amazing behavior to adapt. Focusing on your daily blessings trains your mind to naturally see and appreciate the good things in your life.

The Pens

Now, here is the one thing I promise you need for the new year – in addition to all of the above! 😉 Amazing Pens! I have found the creme de la creme of pens! If you are a nurse or nurse practitioner, you understand the important of a good pen!

Also, because I love a clean and flawless organizer, checkbook etc. without marks all over it, I have found erasable pens – that actually work! Not only are the pens erasable, but they write beautifully and come in gorgeous colors so you can color coordinate your planner! Yes, nerd alert!!! The pens are from FriXion and they come in a colorful pack of 7 – Check them out HERE!

Happy New Year! I hope you all have an amazing year ahead of you! Reach for the stars, declare your goal, dig in and go for it! I’d love to hear what your goal is for the year, so please comment!

Love, Nicole

Exposure to phthalates and their affect on your health

Phthalate exposure and your health

Why do we really need to worry about phthalates? Do they really deserve the bad rap they have been given? Uhmmm, yes! But why? First off, the word is incredibly difficult to spell! But in all seriousness, phthalate exposure has consistently been linked to hormone disruption, worsening asthma and allergies, increased risk of cancer, miscarriage, birth defects, preterm birth, low birthweight, and so much more!

according to the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention), phthalates are a group of man-made chemicals that are used as an additive to PVC (polyvinyl chloride) products. They are colorless, odorless, oily liquids that are added to make plastics flexible and more difficult to break.

Phthalates are also used as solvents or dissolving agents for many other materials. They are often added to personal care products to make the fragrances last longer. But did you know that the ingredient “fragrance” can include dozens of chemicals and companies are not required to disclose the ingredients publicly on the label.

Unfortunately, when phthalates interact with each other, the exposure effect is increased. In the 2008 report, Phthalates and Cumulative Risk Assessment, the National Academy of Sciences (NAS) found strong evidence that exposure to a low-dose mixture of five different phthalates caused harmful effects even when exposure to each phthalate individually showed no effect.

Where will you and your family be exposed to phthalates?

You can find phthalates in hundreds of products, including, but not limited to vinyl flooring, shower curtains, adhesives, detergents, lubricating oils, plastic clothes (raincoats), air fresheners, soft-sided lunch boxes, plastic food wrap, garden hoses, inflatable toys, medical tubing, and even some children’s toys.

Children's toys, exposure to phthalates and altered behavior
How many of your children’s toys may contain phthalates?

They are also often found in cleaning products and personal care products.  Personal care products with phthalates added to them may include soaps, shampoos, hair sprays, nutritional supplements, and nail polishes.

Personal care products and your exposure to phthalates
What ingredients are in your hand soap?

 

How will you and your family be effected by phthalates?

You may be exposed to phthalates by eating foods or by drinking liquids that have been in contact with containers containing phthalates. Phthalates do not attach to the product, they migrate to the surface and are then released through heat, agitation, and prolonged storage. The release occurs during all of the stages of the product lifecycle from production, through use, and even disposal. It is also possible to inhale the vapors if the air contains dust contaminated with phthalate particles.

Once phthalates enter your body, they are converted into metabolites that are quickly excreted in your urine. Studies have shown that over 90% of the American public has measurable amounts of phthalates in random urine samples. What does that mean? Sadly, although they may be excreted quickly, we are repeatedly and continually exposed to them.

Who is at an increased risk from exposure to phthalates?

Pregnant women and their fetuses

Recently, two studies from Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health revealed that phthalates may increase both the risk of miscarriage and gestational diabetes.  Studies have also shown that fetuses who are in a critical window of human development are more vulnerable to adverse outcomes from phthalates.  Phthalates cross the placenta and they can be transmitted through breastmilk. A study showed that children whose mothers were exposed to phthalates during pregnancy were more likely to have problems with motor skills and language development. Therefore, there are not just short-term effects from phthalates but effects that may last their entire lifetime.

Young children

Sadly, young children are also at a greater risk of being exposed to phthalate particles because of their hand-to-mouth behaviors. They are also more at risk from phthalates because they are at critical stages of development and due to their smaller body size.  With repeat exposure to children’s products manufactured using multiple types of phthalate compounds we are sadly unsure of the amount of exposure for our little ones.

Children's toys and potential exposure to phthalate and altered behavior
A simple toy may expose your child to dangerous phthalates.

How to identify the most widely used phthalate compounds in products

Some of the common phthalates found in consumer products include:

  • Bis(2-ethylhexyl)phthalate (DEHP)
  • Dimethyl phthalate (DMP)
  • Di-n-butyl phthalate (DBP)
  • Diethyl phthalate (DEP)
  • Diisononyl phthalate (DINP)
  • Diisobutyl phthalate (DIBP)
  • Di-n-octylphthalate (DNOP)

Exposure to phthalates and reproductive health

Phthalates are endocrine disruptors.  They have been shown to disrupt the body’s hormones and cause reproductive health effects. Many phthalates interfere with the production of testosterone, the male sex hormone which is necessary for proper development and function of the male reproductive organs. Interference with testosterone activity, especially early in life, may have irreversible effects on male reproduction.

Additional health effects of phthalates

According to Jurewicz (2011), there are strong and consistent indications that exposure to phthalates increases the risk of allergies and asthma as well.  Studies have also shown an adverse impact on children’s neurodevelopment and negative changes in toddler behavior.  Phthalate exposure in humans has also been linked with an increased risk of cancer, obesity, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, birth defects, preterm birth and low birthweight.

Why are we still exposed to products with phthalates?

It is personal to me!

After reading all of this, you may wonder how is it possible that we are still exposed to phthalates on a daily basis? For me, it is a very personal issue to hear how phthalates may have effected my pregnancies and ultimately my children. I had my son prematurely at 23 weeks followed by two miscarriages.  Could my preterm delivery and miscarriages be due to exposure to phthalates? Maybe – but I’ll never really know.

Why are we not protected from phthalates?

Sadly, current law does not require manufacturers to disclose whether or not products contain phthalates, which leaves regulators and consumers completely in the dark. Companies can also just add “fragrance” to the label even if phthalates make up 20% or more of the product.  Some toy and cosmetic companies have started to eliminate phthalates from their products, which indicates that it is possible to reformulate products without the use of dangerous phthalates! So why do other companies not follow suit?

We need stricter regulation in the United States

A growing number of states, including California, Maine, Oregon, Vermont and Washington, require product manufacturers to disclose the use of chemicals that may cause birth defects, reproductive harm and/or cancer. But consumer protection should not be left to the voluntary actions by just a few companies or states.

We need stricter regulations here in the United States to protect us. Food manufacturers should no longer use food processing equipment and packaging that contain phthalates. State and federal governments should ban phthalates in home furnishings, building materials, cosmetics, food packaging, and medical devices. ALL cosmetics companies should refuse to use phthalates and other potentially harmful toxic chemicals in personal care products. Hospitals should no longer use PVC medical devices.

What can I do to protect myself and my family?

Read labels and avoid using products that contain phthalates. Support and purchase from companies that are committed to producing phthalate-free products like Beautycounter. Avoid products that include the vague ingredient “fragrance” on the label. Purchase products that are organic and products packaged in glass. Avoid using plastic containers in the microwave or dishwasher.  Click HERE for a quick one-page reference on phthalates – what to watch for and how to avoid them!

 

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Celebrating and honoring all mothers on Mother’s Day

Celebrating all mothers on Mother’s Day

Honoring all mothers on Mother's Day
Our family

The grief that may come to many on Mother’s Day

I wanted to take a minute and explain why I believe all mothers should be honored on Mother’s Day.  It should be a joyous day, but it may not be for everyone.  The weeks building up to it and the actual day can be difficult for many people.  We are blessed enough to still have my mother and mother-in-law in our lives, but many people have lost their mothers, and mourn them even more on Mother’s Day.  Many women have hopes of becoming a mother, but for whatever reason, often due to infertility or other complications, that dream has yet to be fulfilled. For many women, they mourn for their children that they were never able to meet alive or some have gone through the horrific tragedy of losing their child.  A day that is meant to be joyful can quickly turn into a day that many may dread or have a hard time getting through.

The different types of mothers we need to honor

Many women may not have children of their own, but they may play the role of a mother.  We also need to celebrate those women as well! You may be an aunt, a teacher, a mentor, or an amazing friend – remember, you mean so much to those children, do not take your role lightly, and celebrate it!  You may be a step-mother and you are unsure of your place, but believe me, your role is incredibly important!

Being a step-mother

I officially became a mother to my step-daughter, Reece, when Josh and I got married in September of 2013.  We have definitely had our ups and downs, but overall, we have a great relationship.  Has it been difficult? Absolutely! Becoming a step-mom has been one of the most difficult experiences I have ever been through.  I often feel as though I’m the first one to blame and the last one to thank.  I care so much and I have the best intentions in mind, but I often feel that my opinion and role are second fiddle because I am just her step-mom.

Defining your role as a step-mother

I know some step-mothers struggle with which role they will play – will they be more of a friend or a mom.  For me, I instantly took on the motherly role.  Although, at the young age of 6, Reece gave me the line, “you’re not my mom” after I had scolded her one time very quickly.  🙂 I have always known that she may not like me in the moment, but I know that deep down she does love me.  It brings me so much joy to see how kind, loving, and well-mannered she is – or at least as much as a thirteen year old can be 😉  She loves Jesus and is an amazing big sister! I feel blessed to have had an opportunity to play a small part in her life! Although it hasn’t been easy, I feel like we are better than we have ever been and I’m excited to see what our future holds!

Being a step-mom
Reece and I

William, my first born

William.  He has taught me more than anyone in my life thus far!  Throughout my pregnancy and since he took his first breath, nothing has been easy for him, but he has continued to persevere.  He had to be emergently delivered at 23 4/7 weeks and weighed only 1 lb, 6 oz.

Living in the NICU – Living with no regrets

He is now a strong, funny, sarcastic, smart, shy, strong-willed, determined 5-year old.  After 91 days in the NICU, we were able to bring him home.  Once we walked out of those NICU doors, I was completely a different person and with an renewed sense of trust, faith, hope, and belief.  I feel so blessed to be his mother.  Josh used to get after me when William was in the NICU because I spent all of my waking hours sitting next to his isolette or holding him when I could.  It was the most helpless feeling I have ever experienced.  As a Mom, I wanted to protect him and I believed as though I had already failed him in that regard.  I could not protect him in the womb, so I had told myself that I was going to sit there and fight the fight with him.  If God forbid anything happened to him, I did not want to have any regrets.  Considering everything he had to endure and for how hard he had to fight, the least I could do was sit there, pray with him, sing to him, love him, and support him.

My strong-WILLed 5 year old

William is doing remarkably well considering he was born so prematurely.  There are still some things that are more difficult for him.  It is hard to decipher what may be due to his prematurity versus him just being William.  And in reality, it doesn’t really matter.  But as a mother, to see your child struggle is incredibly difficult.  All I have ever wanted to do is protect him and I can’t always do that, even now.  He is definitely a little spoiled, but still so kind, incredibly strong-willed and he has such a big heart.

He made me a Mama
William and I at his fifth birthday party

My personal struggle with miscarriages

After William, we waited awhile, but then decided to proceed with building our family.  I became pregnant and Josh and I were cautiously optimistic.  Just as in William’s pregnancy, my first trimester went by very smoothly.  But as I entered into the second trimester, I quickly began to have problems that mimicked my pregnancy with William.  Unfortunately, unlike William’s pregnancy, they were unable to stop the preterm labor and I delivered my son Weston at 14 weeks.  That same year, I experienced another miscarriage in my 8th week of pregnancy.  I think of the babies I lost EVERY. SINGLE. DAY, but Mother’s Day is extremely difficult for me.

If you have experienced a miscarriage or know someone who has, please visit HERE and listen to my conversation, Working Through Emotions After a Miscarriage with Julia Pascoe, LCSW.

Honoring your infants after a miscarriage
Remembering mothers who have had a miscarriage or loss

Bereaved Mother’s Day

There is a day called International Bereaved Mother’s Day that is celebrated the week before Mother’s Day.  It is dedicated to remember mothers who have either lost a child or have not been able to conceive.  I like the idea of this, but at the same time, I also believe that these women should be honored on Mother’s Day.  They are still mothers and always will be.  Even if I was not lucky enough to have Reece or William, I would still be a Mama to Weston and Baby Nyberg.

So next year, please remember those who may struggle a little more on Mother’s Day.  Talk to them about it and do not be afraid to tell them Happy Mother’s Day!