Moving on from your grief – or are you?

I am just like you.  I have grief and anguish that rises up within me on a daily basis from previous chapters in my story.  Someone may look at me on the outside and assume that my heart has not been completely crumbled and that I do not have daily struggles. In my professional life, I am able to go to work, do my job well and for the most part, hold it together.  But, I am broken on the inside too. I have been able to put one foot in front of the other and move on from my losses.  But that’s just it, I have moved on, but not through my many layers of pain.  

Sadly, the pain that we carry inside of us from our difficult chapters will follow us until we work through it.  Over time, we will just keep piling up our baggage until we almost break physically and mentally.  

How do you know when you aren’t handling your grief well?

Late last year I finally admitted to myself that I was struggling.  There seemed to be more bad days than good.  Looking back now, I knew that I was not my best self for awhile before that day.  I was snapping more at my family and I was much more short-tempered and sometimes, just mean.  I realized that I had never actually worked through my pain and losses.  It is amazing how time still moves on regardless of what you may personally be going through.  Before you know it, a few days pass by, followed by a month, then years.

Has your sorrow ever blindsided you on a Monday afternoon?

You may be at work, playing with your kids, or driving in your car and you’re hit with complete and utter sadness and hopelessness.  Have you ever experienced such sadness that it physically makes you buckle in the knees and fall to the floor in complete despair? I know I have! Listen HERE to hear a recent and raw personal experience of mine.

Do you have moments of just wanting to crawl into hole and cry like a baby but you somehow force yourself to keep it together because you are in front of your children or at work.  Personally, I try my best to not get upset in front of my son because he becomes very distraught if he sees me crying and tells me that I’m not sad which is his way to convince himself that I’m okay.  Over time, you may even become impressed by your own ability to repeatedly shove the pain down and tuck it away for a “different day.”  

Have you ever been ashamed of how sad you really are – even to your spouse?

Have you ever tried to hide from your husband when you couldn’t control the tears running down your face?  You are simply too ashamed and cannot bear to see that look in his eyes again, full of worry, concern or worse yet – judgement. Do you smile, laugh at jokes and continue to show everyone on the outside just how well you really are doing?  Yes, yes, and yes!!!  Unfortunately, the facade you present to the outside world just hinders the inevitable and your ability to truly heal.

Does the thought of seeing a therapist make you feel ashamed?

I have felt and done all of the aforementioned.  Moving on and not actually through your grief and sadness is a great defense mechanism.  Many of us have perfected it out of necessity, but it will not lend well to your current and future well-being.  For me, I had told myself that have a family, a busy job, a home to care for and quite honestly, I just didn’t have the time to go and talk to someone – or maybe I just didn’t think that I needed to.  

Does the thought of seeing a therapist scare you or make you feel ashamed? Not me! I love therapy! I think I was just in denial that I needed help and sadly, as a mother and wife often does, I was putting everyone else’s needs above my own – until I couldn’t any more.  By carrying all of the weight of my sadness and grief, I was not serving my family well – or more importantly, myself! Happy wife, happy life – rather healthy wife, healthy life!  

Progress, not perfection

I still deal with some of my sadness on a daily basis, but I am in the process of working through it.  Progress, not perfection.  Deep down, I know that there are pieces of my heart that cannot be completely mended back together, but I do believe that with therapy and support from friends and family that I can start living my best life.  

I am hopeful that as I continue to slowly work through my pain, disappointment, and grief that I am able to help you or someone you love who may be struggling as well.  If you feel as though you are having a difficult time moving beyond your sadness and grief, I also encourage you to find a friend, support group, counselor or therapist to start working through your grief.  We will get there!  

If you or someone you know has had a miscarriage or the loss of an infant, please consider reading this post with some optional podcasts to listen to where I sit down with my friend, Julia Pascoe, LCSW. We discuss working through the many different emotions after a miscarriage as well as the anger, guilt, and loss of control many woman endure. I am here to offer support and help and most importantly, for you to know that you are not alone.